January 2017 Update

Wedding etc done - check. SLC open house done - check. Baxter Family Florida vacation done - check. Surgery pre-op appt done - check....

Crazy that the last 2 months, and an entire year have come and gone! Wedding etc plus rockin' family vacation back to back and now we are settling into a new year and school and home etc once again. 

Pre-op appt went well. Dr feels that surgery will be very straight forward. She is anticipating that I will be able to come home same day and shouldn't be down more than 1-2 days. Will have a long weekend of no extras to recover. Biggest challenge will be having to receive daily anti blood clot injections for a whole month post-op. Will learn how to do those ourselves at my next appt. Have stopped all cancer meds until after surgery. 

Our other unplanned adventure is that Colton ruptured an eardrum during last week of vacation. Confirmed concerns with on call dr at pediatric office. Hopefully with a strong antibiotic ear drop over the next week it will heal on its own. Caiden came home with a cold+fever so he is also down for a few days. Always is something.

I am thankful for multiple Dr appts next week so I can touch base with everyone before surgery. Oncology appt will be a big appt. I have tried to start lowest dose of chemo. I tried chemo during vacation, hoping to tolerate it and do normal stuff like Dr hoped. No such luck though, days 4-5 were esp hard, even missed last half day of Disney because I was so sick. Sent notes to Dr office of reactions. She is esp concerned about my reactions considering that we can't drop it any lower. Will have big discussion of what will need to happen next, or if I just have to try and know I will be sick. 

Sometimes I come to tears because my brain and body are broken. (Brain was esp bad day we flew home, lost big items, Preston rescued). I have tried so hard to stay positive, but there are times that I can't do anything about, times that literally have me in years, times like being so forgetful or having extreme side effects to meds that are supposed to be helping me. Times like knowing surgery is going to be harder than expected because my body doesn't behave like the "norm". I know that there is nothing I can do about these things, but feel like I should, and end up saying sorry all over the place to those who are caring for me. Esp to Preston and the kids for being such an extra burden at times. I end up not knowing what to say or do to make things better, because there are times, like now, that there is nothing to make things better. 

The only thing that I do is ask for help, from Preston or Drs and esp Heavenly Father. I had the extra blessing that He answered every heartfelt thought and prayer during vacation - every single one, immediately. In all my weaknesses, He answered without fail. Truly a very great miracle to me that He even cared about the little things that were such a big concern at the time, and esp to answer when I lost big things on our travel day home and that they were recovered quickly with Preston help and patience and forgiving me for being so clueless. The only one thing I know that I can do is continue to ask for help and hope that Preston and others and Drs, esp Heavenly Father will forgive my great weaknesses and the great burden that I am. I will try to stay positive and know that this and prayer can hopefully heal and help as we continue to take on big challenges. Thanx to all who continue to stick things out with us! Will write more soon!