Shared Thoughts

I realized that as I have been going through cancer etc for a 2nd time that I have the experience and perspective to be able to help others through this process. I am part of a support group for cancer/tamoxifen. I find that when I reply to a post that I end up writing/sharing quite a bit. I realized, though, that i wasnt posting my responses here - another place where I might do more good. Not sure if I can go through the other page and search for just my posts, but I can start here to post from now on.

Today there is a gal who is new to the support group. Sounds like she has been through a lot in recent months. This was my reply (just a note that each time I do post, esp a long reply, I am just having my fingers move across the keys, but inspired writing happening, I hope so. It would be nice to be of a help to someone else, and know it is not me)

So sorry you are struggling. You are right that we all struggle at different times through treatment and trying to go forward. After spending tons of time in the hospital because of surgical complications, when I came home I refused to look in any mirror - no hair and I felt like I had been butchered. We made our master suite with lots of mirrors on purpose to reflect natural light - I hated our room for a really long time. It was no longer a comforting place for me, because everywhere I looked I only saw this hideous person. I crashed and burned and recovery was very long the first go around. I cried every day, I struggled to care whether I ate, whether I stuck around for anything. My weight plummeted, but I just didnt care. Really put my poor husband through the wringer. 
One thing that our family did, right up front, was to take time every single day to consciously look for good, no matter how small. Little did we know how devastating things would be. We made a wall in our dining room to post recipe cards, or memes, or picts (my youngest daughter was tiny, just learning to hold crayons/draw) Everything on that wall was a pict or paper of every thing that had been a tender mercy, or a blessing, or something good, no matter how small. We clung to this endeavor esp when things were at their worst. There were many days - esp when I had been in the hospital again or another surgery - that I could not think of a single thing to write down, I was too sad, too overwhelmed. But when I took time to look back, there were good things there all along. 
This go of things has almost been harder. I feel extra crummy going through chemo and staying on tamoxifen at the same time, plus all my other meds. My weight is crazy the other way, I am trying to manage meds and side effects at the same time. There are days I dont want to get out of bed, and only do because my kids need my help (we do school at home), there are days I dont get out of bed at all. I cant do little basic things like shower or cook or dress, I have driven very little in most of the last year since I was diagnosed again. All of these are part of the process - some days are ok, and others just totally stink. 
Your feelings are valid. What most people dont understand, esp those who have never gone through it, is that this is a grieving process. Each in our own way have experienced great loss that often cannot be reclaimed. We have every right to grieve, and we do, all along the process and this journey that is now ours. There are many stages of grieving, we may get through one, just to get stuck on another, or go backwards sometimes. 
It is ok, and for each of us, there is also something that is so important to remember - there is and there will be healing - it may come at first, or not for a very long time. Healing will come, our hearts and our minds are strong, even if it feels like our body will never be strong again. Give yourself permission to cry, to have bad days, to be mad at the whole thing. Give yourself permission for your body to heal, it has been through alot, and it will take time for you to get closer to goals that you want to achieve. They always say that a body takes 9 months to grow a baby, and it takes at least that long to meeting goals. Except, we are not the same as we were before. Our bodies have changed, a lot. Pre-pregnacny "perfection" happens to very few. We have been through big physical changes, along with the emotional and mental ones. It is hard to say, but we will never go back to being who we were before - and that is ok - because we are stronger and better and more amazing in so many other ways. We are more sensitive, more compassionate, more gentle, more caring, we have a totally different perspective that we did before. We are different than before and that can grow to be a really good thing. I will be sending best wishes and tons of hugs that the rest of your week will be better, and that you will find comfort and peace as you work through this next stage. Remember that you are amazing! You can do this! We are all right here too, we have your back! Sending tons of hugs!

So many others that I can think of that I hope this message reaches. Amazing women that I love dearly, who are incredible examples to me. I hope that to whoever this reaches that they will know that they are strong, and they are amazing, and esp that they are loved!