Inspiration & Medical Update

I realized that because I have been mostly down and popping in and out of dr appts that we havent updated the blog for awhile. Going to backtrack just a bit and then update from my appts yesterday.

Recently there was an awesome post by Pres Uchtdorf about angels:

"The Lord knows you. He knows your heart and is pleased with your sacrifice. He smiles upon you each day. He will uphold you and prepare the way for you. He will send His angels before you. You will feel their presence. And with the help of heaven, your talents will be multiplied.

I promise you that as you lift those around you, the Lord God, the Creator of the universe, will lift you up. If you will only believe and incline your heart to our Beloved Father, He will place within you a peace that surpasses understanding. He will give you joy. May each of you always remember this."

I know God is true, esp in current circumstances, I have felt those angels lifting me. Even so, I REALLY needed this reminder. Things have been extra hard this last round of chemo/injections, and I have been feeling like a great burden to all those around me, esp to preston and the kids. We have continued to strive to serve others around us, even if it has been belated to events. My husband and kids are my angels 24-7, others have also given service, and it is so good to feel so loved. So we strive to be angels to others, to say thanx and to share love and friendship. There are angels that we can see and that we can't, we can be angels to others. Heavenly Father's blessings and tender mercies will lift us and sustain us in all things, esp through these most difficult days. What a precious gift to help us "come what may and love it."

The amazing thing is that this came out just before I truly was in need of angels. When I needed to drive me and the kids to church and teach my class by myself. I know there were angels holding me up because I was still pretty sick. The most recent time that I had seen and unseen angels was when we went to our stake temple night last week. I did ok getting dressed to go, and I didnt get sick in the car. I was ok until we were actually in the session when I became very sick - monster hot flash that consumed me and made me dizzy and hard to breathe. Then I went into uncontrollable shivering. I had Ceana on one side of me and my friend Bev on the other side of me. They helped me so much, and then I just sat through the rest of the session. Totally messed up when it was my turn, thinking was a total struggle. Felt so bad for ceana, she was visibly distressed, and that it happened in front of so many people, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. It was hard to not think about what others were thinking in the midst of all that was happening that I couldnt do anything about. Without Ceana and Bev help, I may have been tons worse (like passing out, I get that close alot of the time). Preston is my eternal angel and he helped me quickly get up to the chapel and tucked ourselves in a back corner where I could rest. (he later took us to dinner that made a huge difference). The cool room and rest really helped tons. Another angel that day came in the form of Sis Pond, who gave a talk just for me. Another angel was a super big momma hug from our stake pres wife, and her sincere inquiry when she overheard me tell Pres that I had not been doing well. I had so desperately wanted to go to the temple, and even though there were not good things that happened, I truly did have angels around me every minute, and heavenly father answered silent prayers and knew of my desire. There was extra scary stuff, but in the end I was able to be there, able to hear words meant for me, was able to be in the midst of so many that I know care about me and our family.

The other note that has come recently is a quote from Elder Maxwell so many years ago. I remember when he came to our stake before he got sick. It was a precious gift to hear him. This is the quote, meant just for me: "

God does not begin by asking our ability, only our availability, and if we prove our dependability, He will increase our capability." - this go around seems I was not asked about my availability....though I guess that with most trials we are not asked, we are entrusted, and we are given tools needed to work through them. Elder Maxwell was a great example of what 2 way trust looks like. Something to hope to also attain.

Pres Monson recently shared this: "The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility." - Something that we/that I am striving to do every day. Some days are super hard, I feel like I am fussing way too much, and yet I need to communicate how I am feeling and side effects of meds. I know from before how important "thank you" is to all of those who are helping care for me. I know how important it is to look for the joys along the journey even though it is straight uphill and covered with potholes and huge rocks. I have seen that a smile in the midst of adversity truly goes a very long way. I know that a thank you and a hug (when I can) really can touch a heart in ways you will never know. I am working hard to keep an eternal perspective, I am holding tight to His promises. I have seen how sharing a testimony of Heavenly Father's goodness in the midst of trials can bring gladness and peace, to myself and others. All we can do is try to do our best, in each minute, or hour, or day. Our efforts are enough and we will be blessed.

So, there you go. Some inspiring messages that have meant so much to me.

Here is our medical update as of yesterday:

*Round 3 - Injections went well. Sore spots and some mild side effects starting today.

*My nutrafill (white cell + bone marrow count) has dropped from 1400 to 900. Have to have minimum of 1000 to start next chemo cycle. Will have labs done again mid next week. #'s will determine start or delay. Along with that, my dr is dropping my dosage from 125 to 100. Hopefully I will manage things better and have less difficult side effects at the lower dose. Snag is we are, again, waiting for insurance pharmacy to get meds to me in time to start. They show a ship date the day before I should start, with a ship time to up to 14 business days....augh.....thankfully preston is managing all things this go around and working closely with dr office.

*No help yet for violent REM. Sleep med office already doing everything possible. Again offered a different help med, totally forgetting the severe allergic reaction I have with that med. No extra help there. Still waiting to contact the oncology nutritionist about food/sleep interactions. Hoping one med I am already on can be tweaked a bit, that would be our last hope of finding a solution.

*Appts attempting to be pushed out to 1x/month. Labs will most likely be weekly, here at home, and injections and dr appts will hopefully be monthly. Of course, that can be tweaked if I still get very sick.

*Tamoxifen trade to next med still on hold until I can stabilize side effects and get a regular pattern in place. Dr was hoping to start it already, now looks like it will be months out still. I think I have everyone a bit flustered and a lot concerned that I am not in their little "box" of should's and such. Everyone keeps saying "just have not seen this before, this is not typical, etc" - Welcome to my world, hope you continue to enjoy the ride....so hard to not feel discouraged knowing nothing is going according to plan on any level....

OK, I guess that is all for this epistle. Most likely appts will be on a monthly schedule. Labs will be weekly. Will at least keep everyone posted on how my #'s are doing. Thanx tons to all who continue to give us so much encouragement and support, and esp for prayers. These things really do help so much and are very much appreciated! Stay tuned for more to come...