More Than We Can Handle?

I had a follow up dr appt today. Here is the latest news -

*Bone MRI's came back totally clean. Again, we know what it isn't, but still don't know what it may be

*Since starting chemo almost 2 weeks ago, I have been experiencing severe, constant headaches, even to the point of full blown migraines. Neither Dr or PA can find any cause, both sure it is not the chemo or the tamoxifen. My labs say that I should be totally fine. Although I am not experiencing previous side effects, I am experiencing pain and current concerns. Again, my PA was totally stumped as I described my most recent migraine and my inability to manage it. She talked with the Dr and they both concur that a brain MRI is the next step. I will be waiting to hear from the MA next week to get that scheduled.

*We again discussed surgery recommends and options. I will be coordinating ovarian surgery through the OB office. This surgery will ideally replace the injection that I had the worst side effects with. Post surgery will also change me over from the tamoxifen to a similar, but different cancer med that would become my long term, post cancer med. We are hoping to get surgery out of way sooner vs later. We will just be waiting to coordinate with specific dr on the OB team.

*Confirmed a 3rd round of UTI today. I am getting good at figuring it out and getting labs to confirm. Cute lab tech says it isn't just me. She sees similar in lots of cancer patients. Well, there is at least one thing I am going with the flow instead of against it :0 I will be back on antibiotics for another 10 days.

*Today I have some extra swelling, esp in my hands. This concern prompted a full check up to make sure it wasn't because of problem areas. Again PA was concerned and stumped. Will just keep an eye on it for now.

Because of today headache and a number of things, we missed dance class again tonight. Probably could have braved it out, but would have constantly been focusing on pain management and not "wearing it on my sleeve" instead of on friends and teaching. I definitely shed some tears today.

Days like today seem so overwhelming, esp knowing that heredity is playing a part in all this. When my PA mentioned the brain MRI, all I could do was think of and cry over my sweet, wonderful aunt who died of breast cancer that created a brain tumor. For that moment the fear was very real.

Then I think about the other part of my day, talking with the sweet receptionist who has been with through things with me from the first time and the sweet sister who was my driver, about living in a day when we can do more about treatment, when there are lots of options, when I am surrounded by staff at every level of my treatment who truly care about me. I think about walking out the doors of the cancer center to sunshine, and consciously saying thank you for all the the gifts I have been given and the people who surround me with love. I think about the note to a friend when he wished to take this all away, and my response about all the miracles and tender mercies and people that heavenly Father has again put in our path in the midst of all the crummy stuff.

Yes, this whole thing, plus current concerns, plus knowing it is going to get harder before it gets easier, is totally 100% crummy. That being said, there are still lessons to learn, still tender mercies to come, still medical staff who love me and my family, there are still zillions of prayers in our behalf, there are still people to meet, there are still lives to be touched - my own and others - there are still thank yous to be said - to heavenly Father and so many others - there are still thanx treats to make (thanx to my awesome son), there are still days to play in the sun and leaves to kick up, there are still so many good things to come. We will keep striving to remember - come what may and love it - elder within did, so can we, one baby step at a time.