Beginning of Dark Days

Well,  it has happened,  not as soon as the drs thought, but later than I thought - chemo meds have caught up with me.

I have spent most of the last 3 days in bed. Joint aches, nausea, feeling wobbly, and another surprise - kidneys fussing as if stones are moving around. All of these things have been uncomfy enough to put me to bed,  but not bad enough to warrant heavy help meds. Because it is the weekend (of course) I have been unable to reach any of my drs. I am extra worried about driving myself and the kids to Dr appts tomorrow. I have to get down there to see if I can request and squeeze in an xray to see what is up with my kidneys. Having stones moving around right now would so not help. ....sigh

Today there are also tears flowing that have been held back for the last several days. Tears for the pain,  but more for the pain and guilt of ruining what was supposed to an awesome bday weekend for kaeli.  Because I was totally down,  and the weather decided to not behave,  for the first time in years we didn't get to the beach for her bday. She and Ceana ended up cooking her bday lunch and dessert themselves. Our special girls night ended up being a sisters night,  while still fun,  wasn't what we had hoped for.  She is giving a talk in sacrament meeting today that I am missing. All these special things that I can't be there,  and I feel like I am letting everyone down,  on top of being a burden again because of medical etc.

Hoping that I am going to be able to find a better way to manage days like these. Being able to just stay in bed to rest has been a blessing and a bane. I am doing what I can to take care of me right now. I am doing my best to remember the words of a recent blessing to not let myself get super down or feel guilty because I can't do everything and can't be everywhere...hard though when it is the kids' events.

Sometimes it is hard to see the blessings and the tender mercies when you are right in the thick of things, when emotions are running high. They are there, though. Lots of little things - like having 2 people send messages of love and prayers when I needed them most - and big things - like having meds to help, soft bed, sunken tub, husband and big kids to care for me.

There are going to be extra rough days like the last few have been, that is a given. Those days are going to drain me to the point of shedding tears. Those days will always have a shining, bright lining, somewhere, if we just choose to look for it. As I taught my primary class last week - you can't have a rainbow with out the sun AND the rain. These last few days it has been rainy, literally. The sun will show itself soon, I will find the help that I need, will just keep on moving forward one step at a time. Even baby steps are moving forward in the right direction. Sometimes baby steps are all that are needed.