Feel the need to share this. This has been very conscious at all levels recently as our community has grieved a great loss of a local family.

It always continues to amaze me that as I have been sick, and as I have watched others go through a grieving process, whether illness, loss, or any other traumatic event, and all that illness did and is including for me again now, that I find myself comforting others about my circumstances vs the other way around. I think when you go through something that is so big that you cant explain, that those comforting circles get all wavy or jagged or are filled with holes. People just are unable to understand, but it doesn't stop them from commenting or purposefully making judgments. Last time I was sick there was one person who literally cornered Preston at church to inform him it was my fault I was sick and how he and I should go about fixing things. I was appalled when I found out. Recently I was on the receiving end of a conversation that totally blindsided me, and it wasn't even about me being sick. Although the detached comment made about me being sick was also rough to take. I still can't think of that moment without it very physically and emotionally wreaking havoc. For me, it is so important for me to share that this ring system doesn't just have to apply to illness or loss, it can and does apply to any traumatic event that someone has experienced. For me, having personal traumatic events has helped me to continue to try to learn not to judge something I truly cannot understand without being in that very inner circle. It is so important to learn to allow us to truly comfort someone else during a grieving process. One thing that I think is maybe missing from this article is letting people know that the words "should, could, and "if you would just" be kept as far as possible from those people in those very interior circles. These words hurt, and never help. Nothing worse than being told what you "should" do and being told you are a bad person if you don't. People can share words that can slice you to the heart. Still a work in progress to not let those words hurt when you are in the center of that very inner, tiny, circle and feeling very alone and isolated, even with the love and care of a spouse and children. Words of love and extending hugs (where appropriate) and prayers and good wishes are always a way to go. Those who are struggling will let people in those outside circles know what they need, and what types of comfort that they can handle. Those needs will continue to change throughout the grieving process, if others can also understand this, it can truly express comfort and support.

It is always a work in progress, we can always learn to do better. I strive to do better all the time. Just really good info to know. Really felt that I needed to share. Please do share this with others you think would benefit from this info.

http://www.northtexasumc.org/2016/04/how-not-to-say-the-wrong-thing-in-death-illness-divorce-and-other-crises/#.V3pEKrM_b1U.facebook